Oct 24 2010

Laziness & Length

The truth of the matter is, I am a lazy writer. I don’t want to have to work out the details as I go, I want all the answers before I begin. There’s a certain smug comfort in having all the answers before putting oneself into a perilous situation. And writing down the bones and shadows and blood and guts that lurk not-quite-deeply-enough in my soul is a committment most perilous, should I ever intend to show the strewn errata to anybody. Much less hope to have them understand what the bloody hell I was on about. Which requires time and effort to edit into shape plus a lot moar words, as I tend to write short in my first drafts. So hey, I’m also a committment-phobe. Yay me.

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Jul 30 2010

Limited Anger, So Limited

Jena Strong‘s post quoting Audre Lord brings me wisdom today:

“I know the anger that lies inside of me like I know the beat of my heart and the taste of my spit. It is easier to be angry than to hurt. Anger is what I do best. It is easier to be furious than to be yearning.”

And yet the easier path, this path of no resistance where I breathe anger like my cells breathe fire to live, is not the path with the least struggle.

“And true, sometimes it seems that anger alone keeps me alive; it burns with a bright and undiminished flame. Yet anger, like guilt, is an incomplete form of human knowledge. More useful than hatred, but still limited. Anger is useful to help clarify our differences, but in the long run, strength that is bred by anger alone is a blind force which cannot create the future. It can only demolish the past. Such strength does not focus upon what lies ahead, but upon what lies behind, upon what created it – hatred. And hatred is a deathwish for the hated, not a lifewish for anything else.”

I am so tired of hating my circumstances, of hating the pain and damage that wracks my body and sucks energy and time away from the more interesting pursuit of making a life, of making love, of making fun and fun of whatever tickles me.

Jun 8 2010

Om Shanti Bitches!

Just wow. I’ve been blaming pain levels, medication side effects, emotional fallout from both, and the phase of the moon on my frustration lately.

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