inkgrrl's inkblog

Something everybody needs on Friday – The Exorcist performed by bunnies, in 30 seconds.

I seem to have over-celebrated St. Patty’s Day with Irish painkillers which seem not to have worked ‘cuz my head hurts… I should drink more, right?

Do me a favor, oh readers three. Some time early next March, remind me that it’s a bad idea to repeatedly headbutt a Very Large Englishman in the name of ethnic pride, just because it’s St. Patty’s Day. Also, if y’all are feeling especially warm and fuzzy, remind me that it will seem like a good idea to do this after I’ve had 7 or 8 pints, but that headbutting in general is not a good idea in the long run.

The Very Large Englishman took it well, all things considered – apparently my technique is superior to his, as I am utterly unmarked and he is bruised and sore (the fact that The Grand Poobah headbutted him much more often than I did has nothing to do with it; I take any and all credit for any carnage in my immediate vicinity – it’s one of my superpowers). Apparently Very Large Englishmen are pussies, even the ones who, back in the days of the Cold War as young infantrymen, were in the habit of waving their penises whenever remotely possible at random East German security details patrolling the opposite side of the bridge, a bridge, any bridge.

Note: the East Germans never had the opportunity to headbutt the Very Large Englishman or things might have gone differently for him.

Blather blather blather… wait, I found something under this webpage…

According to Spacefem, I am Happily Evil. This is not an earth-shattering revelation – I’m quite comfortable with gleefully induced carnage, seek it out, actually. Ah well, cute graphic.

1. Old Navy:: Fleece
2. Out:: Of the closet
3. Indecent:: Exposure
4. UPN:: Star Trek
5. Pupil:: Dilated
6. Toothpaste:: Dried
7. 1999:: Prince
8. Passion:: Christ
9. Social security:: Name change
10. Cliff:: Claven

My subconscious is such the product of media advertising. Oh look, there’s Lassie!

Last but not least, here’s my well-rounded workout plan for St. Patty’s Day:

Cardio: walking from one bar to another – at least 50 minutes figuring 10 minutes travel time between bars, so just aim to hit at least 6 bars over the course of the evening

Weight Training: pints are heavy so drink lots – at least 2 pints per bar, figure about 10 swallows per pint, alternate hands

Isometrics: push yourself away from the bar to move onto the next bar – this is the toughest one, but works core back and stomach muscles, kinda like Pilates but with better hydration. Note: give yourself plenty of time to complete this one at each bar – you may have to do a few practice reps before actually walking away from that cute bartender.

Personal trainers, take note. You may use my workout plan for your clients, but know that I expect a kickback or gratuity of some sort whenever a client gets snockered (the full licensing fee is due and payable immediately upon any client becoming falling-down drunk, because then they’ll need your services even more in conjunction with their physical therapist to heal whatever they hurt when they fell down, so you’ll be making more money and so should I so there).

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming. Carry on.