I may have just had a defining moment
Okay – I may have just had a defining moment of weirdness, kind of a weirdness epiphany. Not a weird epiphany – I’ve had those before and that’s a familiar feeling. No, this is one for the ages.
So I’m innocently perusing Slate and I happen on an article mocking a recent dog show and I’m chuckling along with the writer’s description of the mutant poodle-thing that won best of show when I happen upon mention of something called a Neuticle. Now, that could be the bastard stepchild of a neutron and a testicle, so I’m thinking “Hey, radioactive gonads – you’d never need a flashlight – it’s all good,” and I make the mistake of clicking on the link to read more…
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!! They’re little squishy (like, marshmellow squishy) silicone testicular implants for animals that have been neutered. Just so the fuzzy-wuzzy darlings won’t have a trauma when they discover they are bereft of extra dangly bits to lick and be despondent at their newfound state and perhaps cast themselves bodily into the garbage can and scatter juicy scraps all about in a cry for psychiatric help. Oh yeah, and on one section of the site (I had to read it all, it was like watching a particularly gruesome car accident involving little old ladies, pink poodles and a case of Silly String – no, wait, that would be genuinely funny) they actually warn pet owners not to implant Neuticles that are larger than the pet’s original testicles. To add design insult to injury, the damned site has an intro page of a blue ball bouncing on an invisible (but no doubt cold and unfeeling) glass surface.
What’s next? Mammary gland implants for nursing bitches who, maybe, are feeling inadequate when faced with a squirming litter of hungry pups? They could call them Mammicles and you could pop them in the freezer to keep the milk fresh…
I’m going to be under my desk, rocking back and forth for a while. Yeah, I think that’s best for everyone.